When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
