8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
