I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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