I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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