so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I will pee on everything he values.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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