I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
