I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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