so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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