it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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