Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
