my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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