Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
