This is not my ceiling
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
