i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
