I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize