Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
and you fell through a lawn chair
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
