remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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