I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
