You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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