I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
