the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
