I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
