Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
