She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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