What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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