We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
