WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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