I'm lost and stupid without you.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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