He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
