clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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