Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
