Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
