I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
