I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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