Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
