The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
