If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
