I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
BRING THE BAGELS
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
