I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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