Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
