Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
