i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
