what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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