When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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