ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
