thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
