i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
