dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
