Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
