You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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