One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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