youre lurking in front of me
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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