I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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