I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
