Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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