i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
